how to be an DesiGangsta

if you have ever seen Bluffmaster (the abhishek bachchan/priyanka chopra starrer that came out years ago) you’re probably familiar with that cringe you get everytime you see abhishek try his brown hand at being a G.
sidenote: what is a “G?”
from that lame fedora he wears, to the Hingrish he imitates with a terrible americanized accent. OG? massive fail.
us desis need to create a gangsta image of our own, not just based off of those political thugs, but something actually original. a DG? DesiGangsta fo shoz.
maybe some tips need to be taken from shah rukh khan. after all… he was detained at the airport for being such a G. must be that badass attitude.

in order to be a DG (DesiGangsta), there are a couple of rules to follow:
1) lose the long lungi. desi gangsta don’t need a dress, they need easy movement, and they need to flaunt their possession of interesting and eye-catching boxers. i’m not saying that the DG needs to stay away from llungis overall, since they are quite comfortable (freedom of movement and all that), i’m just thinking in terms of perhaps shortening the lungi (similar to going from pants to crops) and then slinging them around so low that the boxers can be seen. a good point would be perhaps mid-thigh, that way those beezies can get a full view of the printed boxers most Gs wear.

swaggeristic

2) gangstaspeak is rough, abbreviated, and difficult to comprehend.
example: “yo gotsta git ma bling-bling fa sho, yo brizzle, dis shizzle ain’t gotcha benjamins on dat counta yo.” (translation: i have to get my jewelry, hey bitch, this shit isn’t worth hundreds of dollars.)
i understand that it might be difficult to do such with a beautiful language like hindi or urdu, but the real gangsta has to make his speak crude. it lends to the unintelligent and rugged persona that a gangster must preserve.
perhaps if we adapt hindi/urdu to the gangstaspeak, it will be easier:
example: a desi says, “sab kaise ho?” a desi G says back, “kuch nahin, yaarizzle. bilkulizzle!”

3) one word: bling. i think desi people have got this one down. it’s hard to find anyone who doesn’t sport a couple gold rings or even some studs. and that chain? everyone has it for sure.

she's blingin' fo sho

4) always ALWAYS incorporate an offensive word in every sentence. this, once again, won’t be very difficult for many desi people to adapt to. just slip in a bhen chod or saala or kutti into every thing you say.
example: yaarizzle, woh saala bhen chod kahaan ho? kutti…

5) gangstas always refer to their women as “snickers,” “beezies,” “brizzles,” or “ho.” snickers aren’t all that popular in south asia. i would suggest that a DG refers to his women as “five stars,” “munchies,” or “perks.” (maybe even perkz) those are the real chocolate bars of “da desh.”

6) got that new short lungi slung around your hips so low? shabash. now, the DG needs a swagger like no one else on the corner. most of a G’s swagger comes from having the waist of their pants/denim crops so low around their knees that it restricts their movement. the whole point of lungis is to give real men their deserved freedom of movement, so we’ll have to think of a different type of swagger for DGs. for this, we’ll have to delve into the heritage of a desi, straight back to their rich bharatnatyam roots. for a dancer, the walk is very important, reflecting all the grace of a peacock and the poise of a himalayan tiger. the DG has to dive into this grace and persona to achieve his swagger.
i have included this instructional video for inspiration on achieving a DG swagger:

7) perfect the pout and only smile to show off that grill, DG. In between pouting, the desi gangsta can blurt out rhyming couplets. if you find it hard to rhyme hindi/urdu words, feel free to mix in some hingrish:
example: arey get up and dance yehi tera chance!
if the DG has trouble thinking up original couplets, try spitting out some actors and actresses names to a steady beat, chances are any real G will look at you like you’re the new LudaKrishna.
example: dharmendar jitendar amitabh amir khan! yo yo!

ain’t nothin but a g thang, baby.